Sorry for the title - it's a bit misleading but if I went with the title I was originally thinking of, you would probably skip past this and I am NOT going through hassle of blogging to be ignored!
I've just been living through a very rough week emotionally, and aren't at all sure that I'm out of it yet. It's in my top 5 worse times of depression, maybe as high as #3, only because the top 2 involved breakdowns.
One of the things I hatehatehate about depression is how it takes normal thought processes and turns them on their head. Things I would not think in a 'normal' frame of mind (or would easily dismiss) are suddenly first and foremost in my thoughts and I have to fight to try and approach things, well, normally. And who's to say that the thoughts I'm fighting against aren't ones I really should be thinking about, and my depression is just a way of avoiding dealing with things that all normal people can deal with? (Twisted logic, much?)
It seems somedays that it's only my hate for my depression that keeps me going. My family, job, music etc etc etc just cannot register through the fog. I know they're important to me, vital even, but as motivators to get better, it just doesn't work. And that scares me. A lot.
When I say I want to beat depression, I mean I want to smash it's head open and watch it bleed to death. I hate what it does to me, I hate it for what I've lost, what I've risked, who I've hurt. I hate depression for making me hide in my office and bawl, causing me to turn up late to a meeting with red eyes and a weak excuse for why I look like I was crying. I hate depression for making that bottle of gin look good.
I want to be a better husband-father-son-brother-friend-employee more than anything. Coping with depression means, I guess, accepting that sometimes it's just not working the way you want it to. Coping with someone else's depression is much the same - accepting that things aren't operating on your timetable, or theirs (Mum & Dad - are you listening????). And being patient so that you can enjoy the brief periods of 'normal' that you used to take for granted.
Oh well, you'll have to hang on for a little while longer for some more pool shots. They should be more fun and more coherent than this. Just be glad Madame2Bar didn't take the camera out when I went skinny dipping.
And to any professional counselors who may be reading - while I agree that what I've written probably presents a treasure trove that you are itching to get your hands on, sorry, I already go to counseling.
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2 comments:
Hey Bar,
Having lived with depression (more precisely, chronic dysthymia) for about 14 years, I know the feeling of wanting to maim and torture it. I've written a book on it in fact, which is now searching for publishers. I've posted a couple of chapters on my blog.
You have people who love you and will help you through it. That's saved my sanity more than once. As has my cat.
Hi Troy,
Thanks - I'll check the blog out.
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