Am I Better Yet?

Ok ... how about now?

I mentioned during my last therapy session that, while I am feeling better more often, I don't think I've shaken the depression.

The response was for my counselor to ask what told me that I was still depressed.

My answer was to refer to bad sleeping patterns (still) and just the general feeling. It wasn't much of an answer and obviously something that requires more thinking about.

It's interesting to think about these types of questions - How do I know that I'm better? How do I know that I'm not?*

I guess the easiest way to work out if I'm better is to stop taking the anti-depressants and see if I feel the same. (BTW, I said it was the easiest way, I didn't say it was the smartest way)

At the end of the day, I'm guessing that depression, or at least, my depression, is a combination of depth and frequency. If I was to be in the state defined as 'well', I would still experience a range of emotions. However, for me, depression is about experiencing certain emotions (the darker ones) deeper and more often than a 'well' person would.

I have my unexplained blue moods, my inability to concentrate, my procrastination and my decision avoidance. Also my inability to form coherent paragraphs :-)

A better question might be: 'What am I listening to when deciding one way or the other?'

What I am listening to is the small voice during the quiet moments that says "No, you're not better yet. There's more work to do, so be patient"

* The mere fact that I can ask these questions is a positive for me. I can see that parts of me are starting to look forward to being better. Hope is a wonderful thing.