Wednesday 30 January 2008

I don't do New Year's resolutions much.

Or grammar.

Mostly, I do Old Year's resolutions. That is, I spend New Year's Eve alternatively drinking and trying to recall both what on earth I resolved to do last year and whether or not it was achieved.

If memory serves me correct (he says, channeling Chairman Kaga), last year's Resolution was to 'get better'. This was achieved, but in a round-a-bout way: 'better' was initially meant to mean completely better, but was transformed into meaning 'better than I was before'.

And thus, I also believe that this is one of the few times that I've set and achieved an NYR.

(I am well aware that I'm not only too lazy to keep typing the subject of this post in full, I'm also too lazy to copy and paste it. Beating depression is all about understanding and accepting your limitations. Mine is a lack of diligence. Otherwise known as the king-lazies. I also procrastinate, which is why this paragraph is longer than typing NYR.)

I achieved an NYR when, at about age 21, I stopped drinking for a year. This was easy to do as I was dirt poor and could barely afford uni books let alone any of the good stuff. I was also a very angry young man when I started drinking and didn't want to be like that anymore. That problem has been solved - I'm now a funny older man when I drink. Well, at least I think so and, since another part of handling depression is not seeking validation externally but internally, I'll just keep on thinking so.

Another NYR that succeeded was to get married. Granted, I set this when I was about 17 and achieved it about 9 years later, but I don't bow to anyone's petty rules, including the one about NYR's lasting for a year. It was set in a new year, and it was resolved, ok??? Fine.

What I hate about developing a new NYR, as opposed to recycling one from last year, is that I end up with a list a mile long. (Yes, I've measured it - only the facts on this blog). Anything from losing weight, to budgeting better, to being happy, to not being sad to blogging more gets thrown onto the list. And none of it makes me happy.

Partly, it's because I still have a problem with goal-setting taking the fun out of things. Partly it's just because a bunch of affirmations is still an ugly to-do list that screams out that it needs to BE DONE. NOWNOWNOWNOWNOW. I hate that. I prefer to run on 2BarRiff time, which does not run on the same urgency as the rest of the world.

I tried to cut the list down to 2 big things. But even that was a bit bleah. Again with the to-do list.

So this year's NYR has been slimmed down to something that I think will last because it's more value laden:


Yup, that's it.

The driver was the realisation that I wasn't enjoying food (although I was enjoying eating). I had the impression that my sense of taste was becoming less sensitive and so wanted to slow down eating to spend more time experiencing tastes and textures.

But, more than eating, I also want to consume everything at a slower rate. I chew through books quickly but retain little knowledge unless I read them again. I start something focusing mainly on the end, not on the process of doing it. I'm impatient and have less joy in my life than I want.

I want to spend more time writing, learning and creating but I believe that it won't happen at the rate I'm going. Aside from the amount of grey hairs that I'm creating - that's rocketing along.

So Eat Slowly. Rush less. Experience more.

We'll see how it goes. In 11 month's time anyway.

Thursday 17 January 2008

Still here, but sort of not ...

Just having a blogging holiday for a while. Lotsa reading and thinking, plenty of working.

Plenty of swimming in this 40 degree heat, too.

Will start writing again soon. I think.