Am I Better Yet?

Ok ... how about now?

I mentioned during my last therapy session that, while I am feeling better more often, I don't think I've shaken the depression.

The response was for my counselor to ask what told me that I was still depressed.

My answer was to refer to bad sleeping patterns (still) and just the general feeling. It wasn't much of an answer and obviously something that requires more thinking about.

It's interesting to think about these types of questions - How do I know that I'm better? How do I know that I'm not?*

I guess the easiest way to work out if I'm better is to stop taking the anti-depressants and see if I feel the same. (BTW, I said it was the easiest way, I didn't say it was the smartest way)

At the end of the day, I'm guessing that depression, or at least, my depression, is a combination of depth and frequency. If I was to be in the state defined as 'well', I would still experience a range of emotions. However, for me, depression is about experiencing certain emotions (the darker ones) deeper and more often than a 'well' person would.

I have my unexplained blue moods, my inability to concentrate, my procrastination and my decision avoidance. Also my inability to form coherent paragraphs :-)

A better question might be: 'What am I listening to when deciding one way or the other?'

What I am listening to is the small voice during the quiet moments that says "No, you're not better yet. There's more work to do, so be patient"

* The mere fact that I can ask these questions is a positive for me. I can see that parts of me are starting to look forward to being better. Hope is a wonderful thing.

I don't do New Year's resolutions much.

Or grammar.

Mostly, I do Old Year's resolutions. That is, I spend New Year's Eve alternatively drinking and trying to recall both what on earth I resolved to do last year and whether or not it was achieved.

If memory serves me correct (he says, channeling Chairman Kaga), last year's Resolution was to 'get better'. This was achieved, but in a round-a-bout way: 'better' was initially meant to mean completely better, but was transformed into meaning 'better than I was before'.

And thus, I also believe that this is one of the few times that I've set and achieved an NYR.

(I am well aware that I'm not only too lazy to keep typing the subject of this post in full, I'm also too lazy to copy and paste it. Beating depression is all about understanding and accepting your limitations. Mine is a lack of diligence. Otherwise known as the king-lazies. I also procrastinate, which is why this paragraph is longer than typing NYR.)

I achieved an NYR when, at about age 21, I stopped drinking for a year. This was easy to do as I was dirt poor and could barely afford uni books let alone any of the good stuff. I was also a very angry young man when I started drinking and didn't want to be like that anymore. That problem has been solved - I'm now a funny older man when I drink. Well, at least I think so and, since another part of handling depression is not seeking validation externally but internally, I'll just keep on thinking so.

Another NYR that succeeded was to get married. Granted, I set this when I was about 17 and achieved it about 9 years later, but I don't bow to anyone's petty rules, including the one about NYR's lasting for a year. It was set in a new year, and it was resolved, ok??? Fine.

What I hate about developing a new NYR, as opposed to recycling one from last year, is that I end up with a list a mile long. (Yes, I've measured it - only the facts on this blog). Anything from losing weight, to budgeting better, to being happy, to not being sad to blogging more gets thrown onto the list. And none of it makes me happy.

Partly, it's because I still have a problem with goal-setting taking the fun out of things. Partly it's just because a bunch of affirmations is still an ugly to-do list that screams out that it needs to BE DONE. NOWNOWNOWNOWNOW. I hate that. I prefer to run on 2BarRiff time, which does not run on the same urgency as the rest of the world.

I tried to cut the list down to 2 big things. But even that was a bit bleah. Again with the to-do list.

So this year's NYR has been slimmed down to something that I think will last because it's more value laden:

EAT SLOWLY

Yup, that's it.

The driver was the realisation that I wasn't enjoying food (although I was enjoying eating). I had the impression that my sense of taste was becoming less sensitive and so wanted to slow down eating to spend more time experiencing tastes and textures.

But, more than eating, I also want to consume everything at a slower rate. I chew through books quickly but retain little knowledge unless I read them again. I start something focusing mainly on the end, not on the process of doing it. I'm impatient and have less joy in my life than I want.

I want to spend more time writing, learning and creating but I believe that it won't happen at the rate I'm going. Aside from the amount of grey hairs that I'm creating - that's rocketing along.

So Eat Slowly. Rush less. Experience more.

We'll see how it goes. In 11 month's time anyway.

New Favourite Site - LOL DJs

Still here, but sort of not ...

Just having a blogging holiday for a while. Lotsa reading and thinking, plenty of working.

Plenty of swimming in this 40 degree heat, too.

Will start writing again soon. I think.

One more thing that I just don't get

Hello, my name is 2BarRiff and I am an accountant.

So much so that I get the Australian Financial Review home delivered so I can read it at work with my first coffee.

Now it's not often that I find something in the AFR that horrifies me, aside from paying $2.70 for 56 pages, or the appalling website. But today on page 6 there was an article titled "Watching pay TV gets more expensive".

Within, I found that normal, basic, Foxtel was going up $1 per month to $31.95 per month. That's not so bad. What was shocking was finding out out that more than 40% of Foxtel's subscribers take the platinum package - now $105.95 per month. Eh?????

Now, granted that's 150 channels but at least 148 of them are crap most days. And the other 2 are usually some obscure sports show or reruns of Hey Dad.

To put it in perspective, for that price you could pay our monthly private health insurance, or my life insurance - yes, Madame2Bar becomes a millionaire if I kick the bucket. It also pays nearly 3 semesters of the Princess' school fees or 2 month's worth of 'Thin Review' home deliveries.

And at least those are tax deductible.

I weep for the future of mankind #833

So, I'm standing at the counter at Miss Maud's when the lady next to me orders a Chicken and Salad Baguette.

Only she pronounced it Bag-you-et-tea.

Most addictive site ever?

iSketch.

Find me in the easy rooms!!!

5 more guitar tracks

I had a thought recently to revisit my list of 5 songs that were big influences on me guitarwise, mainly because the list, as presented, seemed to have shredded my indie credibility.

Plus I was stuck in a 2 day OH&S seminar. Bleah. Snore. Bleah.

So here's another list that will hopefully enhance my coolness:

The Stone Roses: She Bangs the Drum. The guitar work always sounds like 2 guitars when it's usually just one. Plus a cool bass riff as well.

The Smiths: This Charming Man. Run that intro a few times. Amazing - I can remember being so frustrated trying to learn it. Must be why I hate Morrissey.

Lloyd Cole & the Commotions: Lost Weekend: In fact, all of 'Easy Pieces' is pretty cool to play along with. The last few seconds of the video is a reminder why skinny Englishmen should not dance.

Matthew Sweet: Sick of Myself. The riff is one that I almost always play when I pick up a guitar.

James: Born of Frustration. Not a real 'guitar-y' track but a cool riff nonetheless. Anyway, it was either this or 'Linger' by the Cranberries and I like this song more. I don't know why the radio stations play 'Laid' and not this song.

Note to self: Must try harder

I don't consider myself all that dumb when it comes to things internetty. What I want I can usually find. Witness, for instance, this, this, this or this - all stuff I was looking for and found.

However, when it comes to blogs about depression, I've never been able to find much that is either a) good b) updated regularly or c) both. (As opposed to this blog which is none of the above).

So it was with a tiny bit of personal shame that I finally got hold of this: The top 10 depression blogs as rated by psychcentral.com. Shame that I had missed it, and shame that I wasn't on it. Maybe if I was more depressed and could be bothered writing about it I might get somewhere in this blogging caper.

The reality is that I've been wallowing in some shallow depths of despair by letting small things get the better of me. Work, relationships, parents, church, parents, parents, kids, parents and so on. At a superficial level things look crap but, when I could be bothered to stretch my view out over a longer term, they aren't so bad. Batting away the procrastination is still harder than I though it would.

I guess I'm forgetting the lessons I'm learning about viewing time and so on. With OneBarRiff staring down the barrel of a 6 to 12 months life expectancy, you'd think I would be able to put things in perspective. Even with depression.

The good thing out of all this is that I now have about 8 new depression sites to visit to, ah, make me feel better 'n stuff.

Grrr

I can't believe it! I'm in the mood to go through my drafts and actually post something but I can't find my memory stick.

Now I have to come up with something new. Crap!