Wednesday 22 June 2011

I am as deep as a puddle!

Yep I'm a bit bored. My one day a week job has now finished. Deep down I'm very disappointed it has. I enjoyed getting dressed in nice clothes and having somewhere to be. One day was enough in amongst my other duties as a Mum. The job started at 9am and finished at 2pm which was just in time for school drop off and pick up. If the kids were sick I had the option of bringing them with me to the shop or call in sick. Best of both worlds! When the time comes to look for another job I hope I can find one with the same hours. Doubt it! And yes everyone asks when am I going to find another job, what am I going to do and I have no idea. People think I am making excuses that we go on holidays in six weeks time so no point looking for a job because no one will employ me then say "Hey here's six weeks holidays!!" Since when am I the bad guy!!

So now I have 7 days in the week being a Mum full full time again. Routine is the key and the road to boredom. I've been here before. The constant struggle of balancing motherhood with working a job. Keeping the house organised and being there for the kids to run them around to after school activities, if they're sick, school holidays etc.. Our priority is I'm the primary caregiver and Mum role of the family which I love being but I still after all these years feel the pressure of not financially contributing and feel guilty when I'm home. If I am home I feel I have to be cleaning or maintaining the house. Stuff has to be done!! If I don't do it WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY TIME!!!! I'm going to go crazy being here all the time and it scares the hell out of me!!

Being content and not listening to others is going to be the key in working out what I'm going to do and how we are as a family are going to be happy. Content with what we have and looking after what we have. Not always looking out but cherishing what we've got and making it work. I must not lose sight of the main goal I've set and that is to be a good wife and mother. Having a job has to work within the perimeters that I have set and I can't let it overtake my main goal. I'm not saying that if we get into trouble with money I won't go and get a job because it interferes with my goal. My goals will just have to be rearranged. It will work eventually I know and it will be great fun discovering what I can do.

In the meantime I'm stressing out and I hate it. I know why I am having bad dreams of losing the kids in natural disasters and not being able to find them and why i don't want to help my best friend anymore. I resent when good things happen to her and that is another whole post I will leave to another time! My control issues are surfacing again and I struggle to be content and let the Lord work his amazing stuff in my life. My prayer journal is looking empty and forlorn, it needs a bit of loving!

I hate being bored because it makes me look a little deeper into my puddle and I don't want to find it so shallow.


2BarRiff said...

Hah - I thought someone had hacked the blog. Thank goodness it was you :)

I hear what you're saying. I should tone down the crap I give you about working (even though it's meant as a light-hearted riposte to hints about buying a caravan or new car).

For me, the response I want to give people about whether you get a job or not is 'We don't need her to work so she she isn't going to' but I'd feel like a wanker saying it.

Anyway, it's worth you not working if there's more posts :-)

Madame2Bar said...

No just me being bored.

It's kind of nice to put my feelings down in writing and sift thru them.

We are too polite to be wankers!

2BarRiff said...

Not too polite, just out of practice :)