Me and my coffee!

I'm sitting in one of my favorite places where I love to catch up with friends or just sit and think. There is something very calming and exciting at the same time about coming into Gloria Jeans. The sounds of people connecting, the blenders and coffee machines grinding the coffee and the smell! It seems to come alive!

Coffee has an appeal which I keep coming back for more. It's not just a drink it's part of my lifestyle. I connect with friends over a coffee. We share each others hopes, misfortunes, joys and outrage! On weekends I like to share a cuppa with kids and 2Bar and share my excitement of having a coffee. It doesn't always turn out so good as the kids don't really get it that a coffee needs to be lingered over and enjoyed. It's not a competition who can finish their drink first! Hahaha!

My coffee of choice is a caramelatte. I try not to think of the extra calories that I am consuming as I don't want to ruin the experience. So I turn a blind eye to the naughtiness of me! Mmmmm the caramel!

Contentment

The kids are sick and having an afternoon nap. Three meals are prepared and the house is clean. Washing and folding are done. It's stormy and raining outside and I'm pleased not to do the school run. In fact i'm very well pleased with the last few days. I've been in my element looking after my family. I would rather the children weren't sick because it isn't nice feeling sick but it's lovely being home in the warm watching TV and playing the WII.

The last few days I've achieved a level of contentment which warms me. To nuture my children back to health and have the house organised and then the rest of the week can follow on how it pleases. Small victories I know but if I can continue with being content with small things then big things won't be any trouble.

I know I need to keep working on this because in three weeks time when my hormomnes go mental again I need to be prepared. In three weeks the kids will be halfway through school holidays and trying to kill each other and I will be refereeing. Contentment out the door!! hahaha!

I am as deep as a puddle!

Yep I'm a bit bored. My one day a week job has now finished. Deep down I'm very disappointed it has. I enjoyed getting dressed in nice clothes and having somewhere to be. One day was enough in amongst my other duties as a Mum. The job started at 9am and finished at 2pm which was just in time for school drop off and pick up. If the kids were sick I had the option of bringing them with me to the shop or call in sick. Best of both worlds! When the time comes to look for another job I hope I can find one with the same hours. Doubt it! And yes everyone asks when am I going to find another job, what am I going to do and I have no idea. People think I am making excuses that we go on holidays in six weeks time so no point looking for a job because no one will employ me then say "Hey here's six weeks holidays!!" Since when am I the bad guy!!

So now I have 7 days in the week being a Mum full full time again. Routine is the key and the road to boredom. I've been here before. The constant struggle of balancing motherhood with working a job. Keeping the house organised and being there for the kids to run them around to after school activities, if they're sick, school holidays etc.. Our priority is I'm the primary caregiver and Mum role of the family which I love being but I still after all these years feel the pressure of not financially contributing and feel guilty when I'm home. If I am home I feel I have to be cleaning or maintaining the house. Stuff has to be done!! If I don't do it WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY TIME!!!! I'm going to go crazy being here all the time and it scares the hell out of me!!

Being content and not listening to others is going to be the key in working out what I'm going to do and how we are as a family are going to be happy. Content with what we have and looking after what we have. Not always looking out but cherishing what we've got and making it work. I must not lose sight of the main goal I've set and that is to be a good wife and mother. Having a job has to work within the perimeters that I have set and I can't let it overtake my main goal. I'm not saying that if we get into trouble with money I won't go and get a job because it interferes with my goal. My goals will just have to be rearranged. It will work eventually I know and it will be great fun discovering what I can do.

In the meantime I'm stressing out and I hate it. I know why I am having bad dreams of losing the kids in natural disasters and not being able to find them and why i don't want to help my best friend anymore. I resent when good things happen to her and that is another whole post I will leave to another time! My control issues are surfacing again and I struggle to be content and let the Lord work his amazing stuff in my life. My prayer journal is looking empty and forlorn, it needs a bit of loving!

I hate being bored because it makes me look a little deeper into my puddle and I don't want to find it so shallow.

Wait ... what?

Has it been a year already?

Swiming against the tide in a river of shit

And no snorkel ...

Well, the 6 month anniversary in the new job is almost here and things are not quite where I anticipated.

My request to God for a reasonably run, cash strong business has been denied, in favour of a basket case with endless cash issues. I've always known that cash hassles are a fact of life with SME's, they just should be a way of life.

It's no stretch to say that I would have preferred unemployment to the position I'm in now.

However ...

Bad timing in the accounting job market at the moment leaves me needing to stay for at least a couple of months.

AND

I find out this morning that my boss has resigned, and thus I've had calls from the directors wanting to know if I'm leaving too. My answer: No, I'm not looking for work which is a LIE since I saw my mate at the agency on Friday.

*Sigh*

I'm pretty sure I can turn this into more $$$ for me which is one reason this job has only ever been a temporary consideration but will the place last long enough?

Depression, I'm learning, is about having too many questions and not enough ammo to deal with them. Well, besides gin.

My Big Mouth

I wonder sometimes why I even bother. My parents travelled around Europe about 8 years ago and stayed in YHA accommodation. They had a ball and said the places they stayed in were very clean and very nice. Friends of mine are in Europe as I type and they were astounded at the prices of B & B's as they were taking their three children. So big mouth me suggested the YHA's as an alternative. They booked.

Apparently the ones they've stayed at are CRAP and now I've got the blame for the suffering they are going through and ruining their holiday. But the email ends with 'Still love ya even if I am suffering because of you!'

Great. That tops off a crappy few months!

Looking at the world through shit-coloured glasses

Again.

I've only recently come to the conclusion that I am not as well as I had thought.

Initially, I had thought that it was just getting down because a few job applications did not work out but there seems to have been a theme going back to probably the start of the year.

Lately, it's manifesting itself in everything coming up crap. Sometimes in life, it takes no effort to see the good things in the world and enjoy them. For me, now, it seems like that will take more effort than I can give.

I'm viewing the lack of work as a reflection on myself, the concern at my situation from those close by as annoying and unwanted intrusions, and my future as decidedly bleak.

I've wanted to sell my guitars and forget about music, throw out my books and delete my mp3s. Quit running, drop out of basketball.

Cause it's just too hard AND because I just don't know if I'll ever have the ability to care in the same way as before.

Yeah it's depressing.

And I swore in the post title. Madame2Bar is going to kill me.

Yee-Ouch!

I woke up last night with all sorts of pain in my left little finger.

Seems I went a little too hard a basketball last night and either whacked someone or something. I never noticed it at the time, as I was hell-bent on my mission to get out of a 3 week scoring rut. Which succeeded, yo!

Hopefully my amateur patch-up job will see it right before finals.

Depression update

Since you're all hanging on an update:

1. I had my last schedule counseling session about a month ago. I was good.

2. Further counseling sessions are at my discretion. Which is nice cause the fees went up again.

3. I just realised that I've forgotten to take my anti-depression medication for about a week. The only effect that I've noticed is that I've started to go back into the pattern of not wanting to sleep. Other than than I have been very stable as far as moods go. That said, not having to work for 2 months has put me on a very mellow setting.

Continuing Job Follies

So I decided not to take the lower paying job even though the industry is way more exciting than I've worked in, in the past.

It came down to the fact that the boss wanted to pay around $10K lower per year than my minimum, which was about $25K pa less than what I earned in my previous job. My minimum was a level that Madam2Bar and I worked out we could live relatively comfortably on with a few sacrifices.

Good news is that I also had a prelim interview at an agency for another position which looks good.

I'm not sure about other industries, but job ads from agencies for accounting related positions tend to be light on specifics - especially about the company. I was, however, able to use my l33t interweb skillz and the googlegod came up with what turned out to be the correct company.

So midway through the interview I was able to drop some info regarding the company, it's set up, history etc etc. And it turns out that I'd worked for a company that was in a related industry.

Hopefully, we'll have good news this week.

Sacrificing a good actual opportunity for a potentially great but not certain opportunity is hard, though.