Ooo, it's happening again

It's now past 1.00 a.m. and I'm still awake.

I finished the work I was doing about 20 minutes ago and yet, despite the dry, sore eyes, stiff neck and cloudy head I can't move myself to bed yet.

What's happening again is that I can feel the depression creeping up again. It isn't tiredness but it just hides there. I know if I go to bed I will lie awake pondering things and before you know it, it will be a downward spiral into 'that place' again. At least if I'm here blogging I won't be working up a blue funk while trying to sleep.

depression

The Toolkit (Part 2)

The first part of this post is here.

4. 2 particular business cards
a. One is for my psychologist. While she isn't on call, she does encourage me to get in contact if things become hard and the next session is too far away. When I was in the deepest part of depression following my breakdown, she called up out of the blue a couple of days after a session, just wanting to make sure I was alright. That was probably the start of me getting better.
b. The other card is for my massage therapist. I have a regular session every 3 weeks but I can sometimes get an appointment at short notice. She is, besides being fantastic at the massage thing, also good at knowing when I want to chat away for the hour or just have a quiet session. I originally started going to sessions due to an arm & shoulder problem but the therapy has also been helpful for my depression - by relieving physical tension it enables me to feel less tense in other areas too.

5. Credit Card. I have a couple of credit cards. One, in particular, gets most of the use for bill paying and car related purchases. Credit cards have been our biggest budgeting issue as a couple and it's only recently that we have been able to control them, and ourselves. I have another one that I never really meant to get, but did anyway many years ago. It's been used for some big purchases in the past - for a brief time I was keeping a company I worked for afloat with it while waiting on some big cheques to clear. This credit card forms part of my toolkit because it enables me to pick up the phone, call Madame2Bar and say 8 magic words: "Pack the bags honey, we're going to Bali".

6. Photos. I have 3 special photos in my wallet. The main one is of the Princess and the Bomb looking all cute and is my display photo. Another is of the Princess when she was probably not even a year old - it's a period of time that neither Madame2Bar or I remember very well as we were too busy coping with PND. The final photo is now 10 years old and was taken at our engagement party, way back when we were young and pretty. I have never been one to keep happy memories, instead I've allowed myself to often become captured by bad memories or over-wrought 'what ifs'. These 3 photos represent images whose happy memories cannot be re-interpreted.

So that's my toolkit. Not very macho - sort of like depression, really - but it really is useful.

depression

The Toolkit (Part 1)

(Note: I'm in 2 minds over this post. While it is true and honest, I can't help thinking it reveals a side of me that is more sooky or soppy than I'd prefer. But, in the spirit of adventurous self discovery let's hoist the mainsail, damn the torpedos, set controls for the heart of the sun and straight on until morning. Or something like that.)

One way that I've found to combat my depression is to have tangible items that I can rely on. See, depression has a way of making you not trust your thoughts. What you believe is true in a normal frame of mind can seem totally not true when you're going through a low point. The stuff in your head just cannot be relied upon. So I look for things that don't give my screwed up mind any chances to second guess them. These things are simple, tactile and portable

In order to have my tangible items on hand, I have constructed a toolkit in which to carry them. This toolkit is also known as a 'wallet'. Here's what's in it:

1. $5 note. This note has a particular purpose. It is there so that, when things get tough, I can go and get some doughnuts - nature's perfect food. Doughnuts always make a person feel better and are thus one of the antidotes to depression. I know, and trust, that the sublime combination of fats and sugars will never, ever treat me bad. In fact, I often think that doughnuts were created just for me, since we are such a good fit.

2. Drawings. I carry a notebook in my pocket when at work. Aside from making me look extremely dorky, it allows me to jot down odd bits of information that I may need later. It is also useful as a way to distract the Princess and the Bomb when waiting for meals to be served (or doughnuts to be bagged). So, of the many masterpieces they have created, I have saved a couple for my toolkit. Being able to see a picture of myself as the Princess sees me is a marvelously objective way to counter the low self view that I sometimes carry.

3. Guitar Pick. This guitar pick (Dean Markley, Bright Yellow, .96mm for the trainspotters) reminds me that I can take an hour off from work, go to a nearby music or second hand shop and bash away on a guitar or two. It also reminds me that I am more than a deskfull of reports and PC full of emails. I have powers beyond mere accounting and deep within my heart lies a powerful combination of creativity, melody and rock 'n roll.

(I've split this post into 2 parts because it looks quite big and I have no idea how to do folds or jumps or whatever they are in Blogger).

depression

Pool Progress

We thought we'd share a bit on how the pool is going.

Currently the model and accessories have all been picked out, contracts signed, finance almost finalised and location has been set. Turnaround time looks to be about 10 weeks from when we give the word so all things appear on track for installation just as summer starts and therefore a pool party for the Princess' birthday.

Now, dear reader, please use your imagination. Currently you would be standing at the shallow end looking towards the deep end. There would be no grass, weeds, sand or bushes just sweet, sweet limestone. A small border garden. All straight lines. Mmmmmmmm.




Just out of shot to the top right will be the solar heating. And yes, we are in the middle of winter - that shot was taken 3 days ago. Since then, Madame2Bar has taken a scorched earth policy to the garden. Anything that can be salvaged is now replanted out the front while the rest is waiting for the Bobcat guy to clear up in a couple of weeks.

Anyone want a trampoline? Pick up only, $70. Perth.

"You shouldn't have depression"

That phrase comes up a lot during conversations with people who think they know me. Unfortunately, regardless of whether I should or shouldn't have it, I do and being told I shouldn't doesn't help. (Especially when the tellers are smug know-it-alls who know less than they think about more than they could imagine).

But 2BarRiff is nothing if not a helpful sort. So, I have done the hard work and come up with the Top 10 Reasons Why 2BarRiff Shouldn't Have Depression:

1. I have 2 beautiful children
2. They think the world of me
3. My wife is the sexiest woman you will ever meet
4. She thinks the world of me, too
5. I love her to bits
6. I have a degree
7. And 2 postgraduate qualifications
8. I'm a member of 2 professions
9. I earn a six figure income
10. My life is going to plan (well, except for the depression. That wasn't in the plan)

Guess what?

It doesn't help. Not a bit. Because my depression isn't like that. It's random and irrational and just a pain in the neck. I can love something and hate something (eg my Stick) and go through all degrees between within a very short amount of time.

The good news is that the good days are generally outnumbering the bad days. I have techniques to follow (more on that later) to help me when I'm in a depressed state and I have techniques to follow when I am not. So far, I've been able to see that the application of these things has had an effect and that gives me and Madame2Bar plenty of encouragement.

I guess the lesson to learn, if there is one, is that it's no good beating myself up about having this - I have it and that's all the brainpower I need to allocate to that thought - no what ifs or shouldn't haves. Life is for living and my 'living' just happens to involve depression.

Ok, let's talk about me for a while ...

Now that everyone is hale and hearty in the 2Bar household, there is time to spend on my favourite topic - me!

One of the ideas behind me blogging is to shine a light on my journey with depression. To perhaps throw a few ideas out there, deconstruct some thought patterns and let the healing begin. Or continue. Or maybe even finish.

Of course, I could just drop it into a Word document for Madame2Bar to read, but where would the fun be if it were only her to read? So let's put it out in teh interwebs for, well, one or two other people to read as well.

I don't intend to reveal too much detail as some parts of my journey with depression have involved very public events and I do like my anonymity - on the web at least. In real life I do talk about depression a fair bit and try to encourage others rather than keeping mum. Of course, I am judicious in who I tell and in what situations e.g. private chat with close friend - yes; person next to me on plane - no.

Interestingly, since being diagnosed with depression, I've found that all my siblings suffer from it too. I have a pet theory, based on working with my psychologist, that my parents (or at least my father) have suffered from depression as well. It's not an uncommon thing to 'catch' it from your parents but it was very weird to learn and a bit of an 'aha' moment.

Along with my own battle with the black dog, I have another major concern - how do I equip my kids to deal with it, knowing that they are at least highly likely to suffer from the same thing?

At the moment, they know that Daddy is sick and/or sad sometimes, prone to spending Sundays in bed and often needs a cuddle and a kiss. Luckily, we've raised the Princess and the Bomb to be 'cuddle dependent' so close contact and frequent protestations of love between us all are the rule.

In later life, I hope to be able to talk about depression more with them, sharing my struggles and the ways I've battled and, Lord willing, beaten it. I hope to tell them how much they've been part of my healing and that they are the reason I've fought against it.

For now, it's about creating as many opportunities as possible to be well - this site being one of them.

Slack Bloggers 'R Us

Ok, maybe not Madame2Bar, but I certainly have no excuse.

Yes, I've finally started a links section. Please have a look and let us know if you should be on it but aren't.

Email to pspcsptz at gmail dot com.

Quick Update

Well the lurgy has struck and now both kids are sporting fevers, coughs and bad attitudes. Madame2Bar has been a trooper (up 4 times last night) and so all 3 are having a mid-day nap while I get the new webcam running.

Why is it that they tell you to put the monitor as far away as possible, but then the webcam, which is supposed to sit on top of it, can't pick up audio in it's microphone? Sigh.

Anyway, I, on the other hand, have had a great morning. Got tyres fitted on the car, went to the lunch bar across the road, had the biggest breakfast of my life (seriously, half a pig's worth of bacon) and got the webcam.

It's moments like these you need a minti

Well, the wonderful Madame2Bar has taken to the interwebs like a duck to water and now it's me playing catchup.

I'd like to say hello to those who read these blog entries via Madame2bar's page on www.minti.com. If you don't already know, our site, cutenotsmart.blogspot.com, is a joint effort between the lovely Madame2Bar and myself, 2BarRiff (husband extraordinaire and luckiest guy in the universe). So, if you are reading some of the articles and thinking 'That's weird!!", it's because they've probably been written by me, not her, and you haven't factored in the Y chromosome.

Anyway, now that I know this blog is being read by people from a parenting site, I'm glad I took down the entry extolling a regular thrashing to keep children in line and the "Children for sale! Cheap!!!" ad.

Only joking - my kids are precious. I wouldn't sell them cheap.

No Boots for me!

Madame2Bar.minti.com
Awww well!! The idea today was to go shopping for a pair of knee high boots and some clothes. But forces were against me! My poor Princess came down with a temperature of 39.5 degrees, coughing and lethargy all yesterday afternoon. At first I didn't take much notice and told her to lie down thinking she was just whingey but when 2Bar came home and felt her she was 39.5! Just hand me the award for bad mother of the year right now!!!! Poor kid!

In Perth we've had 3 children die of these symptoms in the past 2 weeks. We've had warnings from the health department if your child exhibits any of these symptoms get them to a doctor or hospital. Now the children that died were all under 4 years old so Princess being 6 1/2 we weren't sure if we should rush off. The nurses on the Health direct line were fabulous and very thorough. Because she wasn't limp and alert enough to answer my questions they said we should monitor her through the night and if she deteriorates then take her to hospital.

Thank the Lord she didn't! She still had a temperature of 38 degrees this morning so I took her to the doctors and was given the same advice. If she deteriorates take her to hospital. I don't usually bother with going to the doctors when the kids have colds or fevers because the answer is usually the same 'It's viral there's nothing you can give them but panadol and keep their fluids up.' But this time with the combination of influenza A and bacteria infection going around I wasn't going to risk it. We now have to wait and see if the Bomb comes down with anything.

My shopping trip is on the back burner as I keep the Princess home from Oma & Opa's house. The Bomb has gone and is no doubt having a ball having them all to hisself. Never mind, the shoes and clothes I'm sure will still be there when I go next time.